Dear Teacher Lisa,

I’m writing because today was a hard day for me. I need some guidance on how to talk to my daughter. I know pushing is something she will eventually get over, but I’m struggling with it. I also don’t understand why she seems to have had a more intense reaction with another little girl today.

A couple things happened at the park, the main one that I just couldn’t handle and I was emotional about, was that my daughter pushed this other girl down a very very high slide! The other girl took a second too long to go down so my daughter kicked her, and then proceeded to kick her in the head!! (I didn’t see the head kicking as I was trying to climb the slide, but heard about it from another person nearby.)

It was all very bad, the other parent was clearly upset and who could blame them?! And I think them being upset triggered me and I got emotional. I tried to talk to my daughter, but she is just not really clear about why she did it. I asked her if we can check in with the other girl. She checked In and she said she was very sorry. They laughed about their rain boots etc.

I told my daughter I was upset about what she did, I told her we had to leave the park because I had to get to work (and I honestly had no more in me to wait for something else to happen). She said goodbye to the other girl and said sorry.

On the way to the car, I cried. I feel like I’ve been helping her through this physical way of communicating forever now!

In the car she kept saying, I’m really sorry. I asked her if she wanted to write her a letter. She said yes, so my partner helped her with that. She said she was very sorry and wanted her to come play princess at her house. And that if she came, then maybe she would stop hitting her.

She then remembered another time she hurt a friend of hers when she told him “ you can’t ballet because you don’t have ballet shoes” and asked if she could send him a letter and he could dance ballet.

I’m sure this is helpful, but I have zero doubt it’ll happen again 10 more times this week. I just don’t know what to say… “We don’t hit?” “We use our words if we are upset?”

Any help would be amazing.

And also, the whole “you can’t come to my house” phrasing that keeps bubbling up, help! Do we address it? Is it about something not going their way?

Sincerely,

Disheartened

Dear Disheartened,

It sounds like you did everything right in terms of how you talked with your daughter about the incident at the park, and your plan to write a letter and invite the other girl for a playdate is great!

Hitting hasn’t been a frequent behavior of your daughter at school if that’s any consolation for you. I think it makes sense as her social world expands that she will have conflicts that she doesn’t yet know how to handle. I am happy that she is finally expressing herself and her wishes at school. I feel like she was quietly following along with things for the first year and a half and now she is feeling confident enough to advocate for herself…she just may not have the tools. Knowing that, I would say that we stay close in situations where someone could get hurt like at the top of a really big slide or on the climbing dome or the hill at school. If we are close by and we see her getting worked up, we can offer up words she can use before she gets frustrated or flooded and resorts to hitting, etc. Again, I think your idea of the letter and the playdate are fantastic, and offering up actions she can do to repair when she has hurt someone–bringing them something (ice or a peace offering of some kind) is often something kids can do and feel good about. 

Offering up things that she could say in moments of frustration might be more effective than saying “we don’t hit,” or “we use our words.” Try to instead give her the words that she needed so she knows for next time, whether it’s calling “help!” for an adult to offer support, or saying, “Hurry up and slide. I’m waiting!” You could practice role playing some scenarios at home.

The 3-4 year old girls have been working hard this year on figuring out how to play with more than 2 at a time. That is right on track developmentally. I would encourage you to revisit the excerpts from It’s OK Not to Share that I sent out after our last community meeting, as there are some really great sections on this stuff. (Also the article and info. I sent on aggression last week.) For kids, the person they are playing with at the moment is their friend, and anyone else who encroaches is a threat to that connection. It takes some time for them to be willing and able to modify play ideas to include new members and ideas and realize that they can maintain a connection with one person even when another comes into the game. They are also learning they can take space by themselves or with another friend and come back together later (“maybe later”). I’ve seen these things starting to click, but again it takes practice. The hurtful language is a strategy they are using to try to maintain or protect connections or advocate for their needs/wants, but we can reframe–“Those words are hurtful. Are you trying to say you are having so much fun with so-and-so right now, and the two of you need a little space? Maybe later you could play with ___,” or “Those words are hurtful. Are you trying to let so-and-so know that you would really like a turn with ___ when she’s done? Let’s go find something else fun to do while we’re waiting.” Etc. They need help with modeling of what words they can use, so try to figure out the need/desire/feeling behind the hurtful words and translate. If you’re not sure, you could just say, “Ouch. I’m wondering if you are trying to say ____?”

I’m also thinking in some cases of aggression with quieter or younger kids, there might be a bit of built up resentment about being so careful and patient with a new baby sister. She may be releasing some of that or a little less patient when these types of scenarios come up outside of home. 

Hope this helps a little. Keep up the good work!

Teacher Lisa

Dear Teacher Lisa,

We’re writing to you because we’re concerned about some recent behavior with our son. During a school break, we watched The Lion King as a family. We also made the mistake of buying the book. 

Ever since (for about a month), our son has only exclusively played on the floor as a lion or recreated the scene of Mufasa falling into the abyss. This concerns us because all other physical or imaginative play has been stifled. We’ve tried redirecting the play to other avenues but it comes back to the same thing for most of the day, all week. It is also showing up at his gym class where he crawls about instead of following the group activities. At bedtime it causes frustrations as he plays and pounces near us as we’re holding his younger sibling. We’ve explained to him the dangers of playing on the bed and the need for the baby to be safe but our words are ignored. 

We’re looking for any suggestions you may have on weaning or redirecting this behavior into something more open-ended or physical when it comes to play, while stills respecting his play interests. 

Regards,

No More Lion King

Dear No More Lion King,

While I think you are wise to take in media in small doses, because it is very powerful in its influence and can stunt creativity, I also wouldn’t beat yourselves up too much about it. There has been A LOT going on in this time period with your family growing from 3 to 4! Here are my thoughts…

1) Media – Yes, limit the movie watching from this point forward. Talk over together which things you might want to show him and set expectations for time and frequency for yourselves and him. Watch as a family when possible, and debrief, pause to discuss, or skip over parts you think might be too much. Maybe stick to short educational shows? I don’t think having the book is necessarily bad, because re-reading it might help him process the story and seeing it on the page isn’t quite as intense as on the screen.

2) Rough play – He liked this type of play before watching Lion King, and at school would often pretend to be a dino or a fierce animal, so I think the lions and the wildlife resonated with him. He is still mastering impulse control and learning the physical limits of others, so the fact that these challenges are coming out in his “lion play” isn’t all that surprising. With the changes at home, he may also be venting feelings through some of this physical play. It is common that new older sibs have to learn how to be gentle with new baby siblings and I often hear these same types of things. The older one is either overly aggressive or overly lovingly smothering or both. It will take some time to adjust. It may help to wonder about his feelings or openly discuss how you are all feeling about the new addition of the baby. Share things you like and things that are hard, so he knows it’s ok if he isn’t 100% positive and you will support him. 

3) Special time – Maybe you can set a time of day when you have special time with your son. For example, you set up “lion wrestling” from x to y time in the afternoon. But you make it clear that when lion wrestling is over, it is gentle time. 

4) Ideas – You will probably have to supervise closely and hold limits repeatedly when your son is near the baby for this first stretch until everyone acclimates. You can experiment with different techniques. You could try giving your son helper jobs. You could try staying in pretend play mode and directing him as the lion to what the lion needs to do (weave the story into what is happening in your day and adjust it accordingly). You can try tag teaming so that one of you is with the baby and one of you is with your son. You could try using a visual schedule or talking through the plans for the day in advance with your son, so he knows what to expect at each point. 

5) At School – Your son has been playing this theme out at school as well. He is definitely very into it. That said, he is often willing to merge the Lion King play with other games happening on the yard with adult support, and some reminders about how physical he can be with others. With persistence, he does follow along with the adjusted game and flex to the new scenarios.  For example the other day, I was a baby trying to get candy from kids and he was offering me candy as the lion, and then another child turned into a fart monster and we realized that we weren’t at Pride Rock, we were at Fart Rock. Haha. We all played together as a group and things were evolving and changing. I think because he hasn’t yet developed elaborate play ideas of his own, he has latched onto the Lion King story, because it is something he knows how to play out. But we will keep working on expanding upon it and giving him an outlet for the physicality he enjoys. 

Don’t worry, he won’t eat sleep and breathe The Lion King for life…but he might for the next few months. 😉

Hope some of this is helpful. Let me know if you have further questions or thoughts.

Lion Hugs,

Teacher Lisa

Dear Teacher Lisa,

I was noticing for the past few weeks that some of our kiddos experience some form of anxiety or withdrawal when it comes to interacting over zoom. I guess a foreshadowing for in person future situations. 

I’ve been thinking about the way things are going to be when children are able to come together again, and am wondering if you have any ideas on how to “prepare” for the transition when that day comes or even handling anxiety and fears when they happen on the spot.

My son has been experiencing really BIG feelings when it comes down to missing friends, zoom, seeing grandparents from afar etc.

What are your thoughts? I’d like to know.

Sincerely,

Anxious

Dear Anxious,

The impact this quarantine will have on our kids’ anxiety levels, socialization, physical play, and emotional wellbeing will have to unfold over time and be worked on little by little. Some of the kids may revert back easily once they are in a familiar place and with access to play they have been craving. Others may have separation anxiety. Others may act awkward around peers or other adults they haven’t been around in a while. It’s tough to tell at this point what that will look like, and teachers will be ready to support any way we can. 

The reactions to zoom are a whole different thing in my mind–lots of other factors at play there…boredom, frustration at seeing people but not being able to interact with them, feeling muted and powerless to contribute, sick of screens, more interested in something in real life that is happening and alive for them at that moment than something distant and abstract, attention spans of different children and different ages, forced agendas of parents/teachers, and also sad feelings of missing people… Just do what you can and what is enjoyable in terms of zoom, and don’t stress the rest. 

As adults, I think we can help with the children’s anxiety by dialing down our own. For example, try not to shriek every time they get near the 6 foot range of someone or forget one of the quarantine rules. Prep them in advance for what to expect in different situations, but calmly and without fear. 

I also think the socially distant home visits are immensely helpful to be able to see and interact with the kids in 3D, remind them of our connection and fun, and diffuse some of the tension.

Sincerely,

Teacher Lisa

Dear Teacher Lisa,

I’ve noticed a pattern lately with my son and wanted to get your advice. Recently when he does something my partner or I don’t want him to, and he feels he is “in trouble,” he has a pattern of a few things he does. It’s always the same–throwing all the shoes off the shoe shelf, dumping the dirty laundry, slamming doors or opening and closing the oven door. It’s driving us crazy. I’ve set up a little regulation basket with him (which he has yet to use) but he does respond well to spaghetti arms, deep breaths and reading books to regulate. He is incredibly resistant to talking about the behavior I want to shift and what he can do next time. 

Today, for example, he threw one of my partner’s tools on the floor of the kitchen. It was pointy, metal, and just not for throwing. When I told him that we cannot throw the speed square he went through his routine. He slammed his bedroom door and stayed in there for a while. When he came out I tried to talk to him and he just kept asking me to stop talking.

I’m feeling like we are both stuck in a pattern and aren’t making progress. I really would like things to stay positive for him right now, but I am worried he feels like he’s in trouble every time I try and talk to him. He just gets dysregulated so quickly and over seemingly unimportant things.

If you don’t mind giving me your thoughts or advice, we would appreciate it. I need a new perspective. 

Sincerely,

In Trouble

Dear In Trouble,

I have some questions/thoughts…

– Is there a common theme in the things you don’t want him to do that he does? (type of activity, time of day–if so, troubleshoot…for example, if he wants to play with tools, find a way to include him in a building project safely…if he gets more angry at a certain time of day, maybe a snack just beforehand would help…)

– Do you have a fairly regular routine to your day? Does he have choices within the daily plan?

– Can you prevent some of the behaviors that he does in his regular expression of anger and lean into others? I.e. Keep most of the shoes (except the 3 pairs you wear regularly) and the laundry some place out of reach, and set something up that he can slam or throw instead–what is in your regulation basket? Or a special hideout in his room or the yard for when he has mad feelings? Can you plan ahead with him in the morning when he is calm about what he might do later in the day if he gets a mad feeling? Share what you do when you get a mad feeling. You could even act it out.

– Maybe talking about it immediately afterward is not going to work during this phase. Do you think if there was less talking, like you just started drawing a book for example, “Billy’s throwing the speed square book,” and showing it through the pictures, he might be interested in watching or re-reading it later? Externalizing it from him is sometimes easier so it doesn’t feel like a lecture or “trouble,” just a story and some facts.  

p.1 Billy found Papa’s speed square. (By the way, I have no idea what that is. Haha.) 

p. 2 Billy got an idea. 

p.3 Billy threw the speed square on the floor in the kitchen. 

p. 4 Mama said we can’t throw it–it’s sharp. 

p. 5 Billy was mad. 

p. 6 Billy slammed the door and went in his room. 

p. 7 After a little while, Billy felt better. 

– Your calming techniques sound nice. But it sounds like he needs a way to express his anger. I am noticing 3 year olds seem to have more anger than usual right now during this pandemic. They just aren’t venting the same amount of physical energy they usually do, and there are even more limits being placed on them than in typical parent-controlled life which is frustrating. Even if they don’t overtly feel the extra layer of limits the virus is causing, they are still in the same environment and the same world of parent limits all the time, so everything gets heightened. So if you can help him know what to expect from the daily routine, but give choices within that, and find ways for him to have power and express anger, I think all of that will help.

Sincerely,

Teacher Lisa

Dear Teacher Lisa,

We are really struggling with getting our son to sleep. I’m wondering if you have any advice for us.

We have always laid down with him until he goes to asleep, and he has always taken a long time to actually let himself relax and actually fall asleep. Lately though he has been hitting, kicking and pinching, especially with me. It’s becoming a really unpleasant for all of us.

I feel like maybe he would do better if we left him to go to sleep on his own, but each time I leave him alone, he only stays in bed a minute or so before getting up to find us.  I was thinking of asking him tomorrow about how he felt about going to sleep on his own, maybe coming up with a plan together, writing a book about it, steps we could take and maybe practice it during the day?

I read an article recommending only leaving him alone for a minute at first, then increasing the time I leave him alone a minute every night, and praising him profusely if he stays in bed.  I’m also tempted to give him something special for breakfast if he stays in bed. I’m at my wits end, but am not sure if rewards and bribes are the way to go.

I would really love to figure this out before the new baby comes, but also worry about just traumatizing him, then him associating it with the new baby. Any advice would be welcome.

Sincerely,

Sleep Troubles

Dear Sleep Troubles,

I’m sorry to hear you are struggling. My guess is that your son is subconsciously anxious/scared about the imminent arrival of the baby. It’s a big deal and he knows it’s happening soon, but he doesn’t know exactly what that means for him. Sleep is a time of day that brings out those big feelings–in addition to fear, he may be feeling angry or upset with you that things are changing, or just out of control on top of being tired. 

My suggestion is not to leave him alone in this time when he is about to have a big transition. But, I do think that your partner should take the lead. I think you should start to mark time during the day as your “special time” with him (even if you spend all day together already, just labeling it and paying extra attention to playing with him during those 15 minutes and talking about how each day you will look forward to this special time where he gets to guide the activity for the two of you), but that night time should be your partner’s domain. I’m sorry to say, but when this baby arrives, you will be needed with the baby all night, so it is best if they start to establish their own bedtime and nighttime routine whether that is sleeping together all night, or an extended tuck in. I recall it as one of the hardest transitions as a mother to let go a little of my older child to focus on the younger child, but it is natural and necessary. I think it is very important for the second parent/other extended family member (in families that have this option) step up to fill the older child’s needs during this transition period. It ends up being very bonding for them, and helps the older child adapt knowing they have a point person. 

I was also wondering if tiring him out a little more during the day might help him fall asleep faster. I’m curious if school/outing days will be easier than non-school days. Or maybe you want to get something like a trampoline in the backyard if your partner is at work and can’t take him for a bike ride or hike or something. 

You could talk to your son about what he thinks is going on at bedtime like you said, but I’m not sure he would be able to articulate the feelings causing the behavior. When kids are tired and emotional, they thrash around without much control. Maybe you could plan a calming pre-bed activity with his input–listening to classical music, getting a back rub, taking a bath, a cuddly lovey… maybe he would have suggestions of what makes him feel relaxed?

That’s all I’ve got for now. (I don’t think the bribes or leaving him are going to work because it’s not logical premeditated action that he’s taking at bedtime.)

Sending sleepy vibes,

Teacher Lisa

Dear Teacher Lisa,

We have been trying to figure out a good way to get our daughter to stop saying a few things to her friends and family. For instance when she does not get her way she tells friends ‘Fine. I’m not your friend anymore.’ And it seems that it may be hurting some friends feelings. She usually does this to close friends. Despite talking about it many times with her she still does this.

She also says ‘I hate you’ a lot as well to people including us. Lately she sometimes takes it back and just says ‘Fine. I don’t hate you but I don’t like you right now.’

Do you have any strategies we can use for this?

Sincerely,

Hating “I Hate You”

Dear Hating “I Hate You,”

This is a tough one, I know. As kids move from trying to get needs met and express feelings physically, the next phase is expressing their malcontent through hurtful words. It is actually a step up on the ladder. Around 5, they start to be more able to access the logical part of the brain that can check this behavior a little more readily and think it through before they speak.

Also, kids are out of practice right now (because of the pandemic) of having these constant social interactions and conflicts and being able to practice it on repeat, so they may revert to old strategies for a bit until they are feeling more secure in their friendships again and back in the groove of regular play and conflict resolution. The fact that your daughter is amending her statement to “Fine, I don’t hate you but I don’t like you right now,” is a great sign that she is starting to reflect and recognize that feelings are fleeting, not permanent.

What I would do is narrate back to her in her moments of frustration what you think she is truly feeling/thinking… so for example, if she wanted a turn with something and someone said no, and she responded with hurtful words, you could say, “Are you trying to let ____ know that you were really hoping for a turn with that toy? Should we ask if you can use it when she’s done?” Our goal is to model for her the words that she could use instead. It doesn’t help if we simply tell her that it’s not nice to say that or don’t say that. She needs to know how to express herself more thoughtfully, so we can supply the language. Even if she storms off and needs to take space to cool down, we can tell the other person, “I think what she was trying to say was that she really wanted to take a turn wearing your dress. I’m sorry that she used hurtful words, she is still learning.” And give her some time to cool down. Then when she’s ready, you could ask her about it. “Were you really feeling mad that you couldn’t wear that dress? Maybe we could write ___ a letter about it, or come up with a trade of something that they might want to try out of yours? Saying you hate someone hurts feelings.” 

Basically, you are the go between trying to model effective language and strategies for your daughter and her playmates, help them understand each other’s perspectives, and offer ways they can repair or reconnect after.

Hope that helps. Let me know if you have follow up questions. It takes a lot of practice and repetition to master these skills. 

You got this,

Teacher Lisa

Dear Teacher Lisa,

I’m starting to feel pretty defeated. My son is regressing and hitting us hard every time he gets a “no” and especially at bedtime. But worse is that I’m regressing from all the school teachings too. My patience is really short and I’ve come close to losing my temper several times recently. This is what really bothers me. Especially in the evenings, at bedtimes, it’s just a constant fight of kicking me in my (pregnant) belly, hitting me and punching me. I lose my cool and I just see red. I call my partner to help me, but my first reaction is to lash out at my son. I know that I’m already being a little brusque with him when we put pajamas on. I feel very hopeless at the moment (maybe is also the hormones?) and the guilt eats me alive. Any suggestions? 

Thank you as always for everything,

Feeling Defeated

Dear Feeling Defeated,

Is there a good time we could talk on the phone today (or you could talk with another listening partner)? I’d like to hear more about everything and give you a chance to really vent. Sometimes that alone can be a big weight lifted.

My initial advice is to take some time to just come clean with your son. Tell him you want to apologize for being impatient. Tell him you are pregnant and not feeling well. Tell him you are worried about grandparents because of Covid. Tell him you are frustrated at having to stay in the house. Tell him you hate it that the feeling of barfing is interrupting your special storytime with him. Maybe you can even start to draw it out (since your son likes to draw, maybe even a character story like evil Mr. Barfypants might bring a comedic tension release), or throw a pillow across the room for every frustration, etc. And just tell him how much you want him to know you love him, and you know it’s hard not going to school, and being stuck inside. Make a plan together each morning of what 1 special thing he would like to do with you that day at a time that is optimal for you so you both are at your best. Beforehand tell him how much you will look forward to that, and after tell him how much you enjoyed it. Keep it short and sweet and let your partner bring the fun and pick up some extra work as much as possible the rest of the time.

Hear for you to vent,

Teacher Lisa

Why Is My Child Being Aggressive?

3-4 year old children might be hitting or being aggressive in protection of their space or possessions. Again, we can be curious and model for them the language and tone they can use to express their needs. Let’s try to anticipate these scenarios and be realistic about how much stuff we can save or set up strategies in advance–pick one that is your favorite, put a sign on something if you’ll be right back, use a clipboard for turns, wonder with the child in advance about what we could do if someone else wants to use stuff or join us, think about our school/home agreements of having many/none or leaving something and a friend taking a turn before it comes back to us, practice how they can get help in a stressful scenario by yelling “Heeeelp!” and an adult will come running, read books or do role play around friendship, sharing and hitting and discuss it… Make an emergency plan with your child of what they can do when they are stressed–fidget to squeeze, chewy necklace, quiet regulatory place like Cozy Cottage, sensory activity, snack/ice, etc.

4-5 year old children may hit a third party to connect in a quick way with a friend or to protect a connection they have going already. Or they may have other feelings of disappointment, irritation or frustration bubbling up. Let’s help them find other outlets.

Other kids may be at the end of their rope or anxious because of a new baby at home, a parent out of town, or other things on their mind. Again, their fuse may be a little shorter. Make time to connect with them when they are not triggered and they will be better able to receive your support in those difficult moments. 

Lastly, aggression can be physical play that has gotten out of hand or needs clearer parameters set or individualized parameters for each participant. Call a timeout. Make firm agreements and write them down or recap regularly. 

Hope this article helps. Have a good weekend!

The Foolproof Way To Keep Your Child from Hitting Other Kids